dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Send help, water and tortillas.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
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