it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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