Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
