You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Randomize
