your parents love me but you hate me
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
