The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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