I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
