I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize