I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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