maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
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