I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
