Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
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