FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Randomize
