i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize