She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
