Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
