She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Randomize
