I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
