remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize