so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
