He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Randomize
