then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
