If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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