You just made me feel so damn special
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
