now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
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