last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
