So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
