so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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