She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Randomize
