I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
