I wish I could punch you in the face.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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