is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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