This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
