I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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