You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Randomize
