i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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