i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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