Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
i think my mom watched the whole time
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
