ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
