Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
