Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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