He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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