It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
