Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
It was confusing and full of hummus
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
