you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Randomize
