So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Randomize
