I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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