I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
