I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
