my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
