DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Randomize
