oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
