im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
