I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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