I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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