It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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