Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
