Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Randomize
