She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
